We have been meeting by Zoom for a year after beginning in person in what seems like another era, in September 2019. Brought together by our love for family members on the spectrum, we are diverse by race, with fathers who are Black, White, Asian, Latino/Hispanic, and Middle Eastern. We come from different faith traditions that include Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. We come from all over the United States and a few other countries; our children’s ages range from 3 into their 40s; and some of us have been diagnosed with autism ourselves. Our diversity inspires us and drives our efforts to be all we can be for our families. Once a month we gather together to support each other doing our best, and February was no exception. We purposely took stock of what was going right and the challenges that lay before us.
As we started with what was going right, we celebrated:
After weeks of patiently pushing, one father’s son started drawing and coloring and discovered his new interest and hobby;
One father’s child began singing his ABC’s from beginning to end after not saying more than one or two words at most;
Another father’s 43-year-old daughter was happy participating virtually in her group sessions;
A father’s teenage son and his friend on the spectrum enjoyed playing Dungeons and Dragons with his dad as the dungeon master in a game his father had played 35 years ago as a teenager himself;
Another father’s child began helping with chores after school;
One father’s 40-year-old adult son smiled for the camera for the first time;
Someone’s two-year-old brought his hands together, signing for “more”, as he enjoyed the singing at Sunday worship bringing tears of joy;
A father heard his child spontaneously saying “cheese” for the camera;
We acknowledged the joy in forming better connections with our children and partners;
We appreciated and affirmed that “every victory counts!” as a father with Parkinson's told us he had learned from his Parkinson’s support group
Our difficulties were never far from our minds:
One year into the pandemic, we are adjusting to the new normal but not liking it;
One father shared he was recovering from a scary covid infection, with a young adult in spectrum, preventing him from quarantining in his own home;
Another discussed his 38-year-old son with autism living on his own, isolated, afraid to go anywhere, and troubled by the news.
One father courageously opened up about his difficulty and his pain connecting with his five-year-old son who ignores him. He expressed feeling troubled because he sees his son being more interactive with his mother. With compassion, our group opened our hearts to him. One of our members, shared his wife’s QTIP, “Quit Thinking It’s Personal.” That helped him to stop expecting a hug or a Hollywood ending. He talked about pushing through to be in his son’s world and get into his orbit.
Others shared their stories of going into their child's world connecting with dinosaurs or Thomas the Tank Engine and learning everything they could about their child's passions and interests. Another father shared having hockey sticks in his garage that were never used as he imagined while learning to accept his son's interests. He learned from his partner that his son was more like a cat who will come to you on his own but not when you call him. This brought up a reference to the book, All Cats Are on the Autism Spectrum. Readers may also want to check out, “5 Tips for Quality Play from Dr. GiacomoVivanti,” from the AJ Drexel Autism Center
We shared that these are the moments for possible change and transformation when we might be feeling rejected or inadequate, and we have to move. We work with and through the pain because our love is stronger and helps us find possibilities for engagement. Sometimes we have to acknowledge and embrace the difficulty and give our own selves a hug of self-compassion. One father shared that he gets a special smile when he picks up his son from his ABA therapy, and he smiles back in their special way of connecting. In the end as we shared our takeaways, we were left with the deepened awareness that our children are teaching us to be better humans.
Wishing you safety and peace!
Michael and Robert
P.S. If you’re a father and haven’t been in touch with us before and want to join in on Saturday, March 20, at 11:00AM Eastern US, email