Parents have frequently confided to me when they have lost their patience. Fathers, as well as mothers, share their guilt and their heartbreak when this occurs. As one mother said to me recently, “My mother yelled at us, and I vowed to never yell at my children. Now I’m becoming a yeller. What’s wrong?”
Just last week a father told me about how he lost it with his four-year-old son with ASD. After picking up his son from school, he stopped at the convenience store for his wife to pick up milk for the next day’s breakfast. His son did not want to stop and had a full-scale meltdown. When he didn’t calm down, his father started yelling at him. Now just a few days later, his father was wracked with guilt.
This father like other parents felt guilty. I assured him that his reaction was not unusual and did not indicate that he was a bad parent just because he lost his patience. He told me that his son had made tremendous progress since being diagnosed over a year ago, and he just couldn’t understand his own impatience.
I briefly discussed with him that difficulty regulating emotions was more often than not one of the challenges that go along with an autism spectrum diagnosis. Changes in routine, such as stopping at the store, can often be a trigger. This occurs all along the spectrum from mild to moderate to severe.
By the end of our counseling session together, this father looked at me and came to his own conclusion. “I have been expecting too much. That’s the lesson I’m learning. I have to do better at managing my expectations; that’s the only way I can remain patient during situations like this.”
Of course, this sounds simple, but in the moment it is easier said than done. In order to manage expectations, it is important to understand and be mindful of the individual developmental profile of your child. The best way to understand this is to learn everything possible about your child’s diagnosis and communicate regularly with your child’s teachers and therapists.
For parents who are struggling in terms of your expectations about yourselves, let’s be clear: it is normal to struggle with your patience in challenging situations. So the next time your child has a meltdown, take a breath—or two or three. Then ask yourself what you’re expecting and how reasonable that is in the moment you are presently in with your child.
Moment by moment, day by day, being mindful of these issues, you and your child will both grow.
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2 responses to “Lost your patience? How to get it back”
Mary Margaret McKinney
I was hoping you were located in Houston so I could see you as a Psychologist. My son with Classic Autism is 12 and we’ve made it all this way, but now I’m just frustrated because my 7th Grader does not want to go to school.
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This is certainly a steep challenge. I would suggest looking for a therapist who is experienced with both autism and school refusal.
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